


Things Orochimaru is Not Allowed to do in Konoha

by AWammysHouseDropout



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Orochimaru is a dick, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 03:25:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14559795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWammysHouseDropout/pseuds/AWammysHouseDropout
Summary: Because you can't trust Orochimaru to behave himself on his own.-Inspired by "The Things Doctor Bright is Not Allowed to do at the Foundation."





	Things Orochimaru is Not Allowed to do in Konoha

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored. Don't judge me!

From the office of the Seventh Hokage:

It has come to the Hokage’s attention that there are concerns in Konoha regarding Orochimaru’s more frequent appearances in the village. Therefore, he and his advisors have decided to address these concerns by creating a list of guidelines for Orochimaru to abide by while in the village. The list will be sent to Orochimaru, so he is aware of the situation.

  * Orochimaru is to refrain from referring to other villagers as “extra lives.”
    * Or “upgrades”
  * In the event someone says “[Expletive] you” to Orochimaru, Orochimaru is to refrain from replying “you wish.”
    * He is also not to reply with “I’m out of your league, babe.”
      * Or “don’t threaten me with a good time.”
  * At Sasuke’s request, Orochimaru is to remain at a ~~three~~ five-meter distance from Uchiha Sarada at all times.
  * Orochimaru is not to deface the grave of the Third Hokage. While the Seventh is well aware of the tension between him and the Third- it’s just rude.
    * Orochimaru is also not allowed to booby-trap the area around the Third’s grave.
    * He is also not allowed to deface the Third’s likeness on the mountainside. C’mon, that’s just immature.
  * Though the Hokage acknowledges the resemblance between the two of them, Orochimaru should refrain from referring to Sai as his “brother from another mother.” It makes Sai very uncomfortable.
  * Orochimaru is to stop referring to Mitsuki as his “science baby”
  * Orochimaru is not to say “I ship it” when he sees Mitsuki and Sarada together.
    * Or Mitsuki and Boruto
      * Or any of Mitsuki’s other friends
        * Or Sasuke and the Hokage.
  * In light of [incident redacted], Orochimaru is not to mention Uchiha Itachi if Sasuke is within earshot.
    * He will also not refer to Itachi as “the cuter brother.”
      * If he fails to refrain, Sasuke has made it very clear that he will “[expletive] kill that [expletive][expletive].”
        * Haruno Sakura wishes it to be stated, for the record, that she will “help hide the body.”
  * Orochimaru will not refer to Chouji Chouchou any members of the Akimichi clan as any of the following: Fatty, fatass, fat [expletive], Roly-Poly, fatty-fatty two-by-four, or any other weight-related insults. That’s just mean.
    * The previous also applies to Mitarashi Anko.
  * At the Hokage’s request, Orochimaru will not refer to Namikaze Minato as a “homewrecker.” He took your job, not your girlfriend. Chill out.
  * Orochimaru is not allowed to give peanut butter to Kurama.
  * In the event that Inuzuka Kiba attempts to talk to him, Orochimaru will not respond by barking.
  * While it’s an understandable inconvenience, Orochimaru should not attempt to kill anyone just because they’ve tried to kill him. He should remember that he’s pissed off most of the village population, and try to be understanding.
    * The Hokage would appreciate if Orochimaru would report the incident through the proper channels, rather than resorting to murder straight away.
  * If an aspiring ANBU asks Orochimaru for career advice, that advice should not be “just become a stripper instead.”
    * Even if being a stripper “pays better, and has a less unsavory clientele.”
  * Despite the rumors, the old Uchiha compound is not haunted. Orochimaru should not perpetuate this rumor to the children in Konoha.
    * Orochimaru will also not say the Uchiha massacre was “just a prank, bro.”
  * Orochimaru will not hang Uzumaki Boruto upside down from a tree, and leave him hanging there until he apologizes.
    * No matter what names he called you.
      * No, it doesn’t matter that “the little [expletive] deserved it.”
  * “For Science!” is not a justification for anything.
    * Neither is “for shits and giggles.”
  * Orochimaru and Tsunade are not allowed to be drunk at the same time, in the same bar.
  * Finally, Orochimaru is to get the proper permissions before accessing classified archives. We have rules for a reason, guy.



Failure to abide by these rules will result in the Hokage seriously reconsidering Orochimaru's pardon.


End file.
